The word ‘new’ invokes a variety of emotions: elation, excitement, nervousness... But, when it comes to me, ‘new’ has always shared an invariable camaraderie with intensive ‘fear’. The first day at school in every new term seemed no less than a battlefield to me. Year after year, the same scenario repeated. The inherent feeling of being placed in the middle of demons that will rip my flesh off never left me.
Of late, I’ve realized that it has proved to be a pain for others. My parents have always been concerned about my eerie behavior at such times.
This fear of new has always resulted in a delayed success, or I wonder if it is the other way round? (Excuse me, if you are thinking, “She is slow”,then I beg to differ.)
I started seeing and identifying things when I was 7 (this of-course was not in my control). I started to ride a bicycle when I turned 15. After my dad n bro gave up (i am a tough nut to crack, trust me), i decided to,rather was adamant to learn it on my own. I remember bruising almost the entire body before I could claim myself to be a bicycle rider. I finished my graduation at 24, got my first job at 25, learned to cook (i think, not sure if others do) at 25, the list goes on. In fact, what i consider the worst is,I realize my mistakes after repeating it at least twice (that itself is quite late).
But, at the end of it, I always get what I have worked and put in efforts for. I am grateful to the Almighty and to the people who support me in every struggle and give me the strength to fight the odds, who inspire me to be me and hold on till I reach the destination.
But, again, because of the longer-than-usual-period to reach the desired goal, by the time I get to something, I m so weary of making continuous efforts that I fail to enjoy the possession I longed for. I feel numb. This 'BUT', that immediately interrupts the Yes-I-am the queen feeling ruins the moment . I do not understand the reason of my inability to not let 'BUT' get in my way. But, i am in the process to avoid...see again. O Lord!!!
Anyway, let us get back to the point. The second drawback of 'fear' is, I think too much. No matter how small a matter is, mundane enough not to deserve the slightest of my attention, I invest all of my precious time in worrying about something which does not hold any importance or even worse, that actually does not happen at all.
One of the instances is, when I had finished my diploma in Electronics and Communication and as the course's duration was 2.5 years, i had 6 months of complete freedom before I get into the graduate degree. In-spite of being a girl, i had all the freedom back home.
I could have possibly had the best time of my life with not knowing the course of action for the day when i got up in the morning, for 6 long months.
I could have roamed around till late nights with friends, I could have listened to every possible genre of music, could have watched movies of different eras, could have read the books ranging from classics to the new age authors, could have learnt a new language, could have developed a liking for cooking (which was the biggest concern of my mother who gave me what-face-would-i-show-to-your-in laws dialogue at-least once a day.), go the gym and be fit, the list will never end considering the wide interests I have and willingness to explore all of them.
But (See, again!!!), I did almost none of the above, worrying whether I will secure admission in graduate degree or not. If not, what will I do, what future would I have, I would have no career,I will be ruined, etc. And at the end of all this melodrama, what happened!!! I got through and came out of college with flying colors. In fact, what could have I possibly done if I did not get admission in the first place. I had no option but to wait, but I understood it only when i had lost that precious time. Even after this, I did not realize (as i have quoted before, “I never realize before committing the same mistake at-least twice or even more.”)
After I was done with my degree (B Tech), instead of celebrating it, I immediately started worrying about getting a job as there were no campus interviews. I tried everything possible to no avail. I finally got an opportunity and after fighting hard for it with long hours of work and study I finally reached my destination.
The fact is, no matter how hard you try, the pain in almost every part of the body you become, for the people around you, things turn out in you favor only when your moment arrives.
After staying away from home, I met a lot of new people of varied kinds (and species), started staying with room mates (with whom, I think, I should be more flexible) and got struck by the fact that I am way more lucky than most of them. Compared to the their troubles and the misfortunes they really can't do anything about, mine are almost nil. Again, I thank the Almighty to make me come to terms with the fact (late, but hardly matters) that life is as you see it.
Such thoughts keep haunting me all the time so I am sure, you guys wont be deprived of the torture. Till then adios amigos.